


Like a Hermit in My Own Head

by jbarakitten



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mpreg, Pregnancy, Smut, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:35:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21822295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbarakitten/pseuds/jbarakitten
Summary: “That would be nice, thanks.” Tyler’s voice was dripping with venom and even Josh had to raise an eyebrow on his comment. I’m such an asshole, Tyler realized involuntarily.“Dick,” crew guy said, but backed off anyways. He turned to close the door again, but stopped right before the door handle and mumbled, probably more to himself, than to the others, “those fucking mood swings. What are you, Tyler? Pregnant?” before the door shut close again.
Relationships: Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph
Comments: 14
Kudos: 61





	1. A big and bold plus

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to my newest project! The title is inspired by "Marching Bands of Manhattan" by Death Cab for Cutie. I'm presuming this will be a longer project since I have already outlined 6 chapters and I am by far not finished!

It was the smell that woke him up. That delicious smell went through the whole tour bus and Tyler’s mouth already watered when he hadn’t even opened his eyes. That breathtakingly beautiful smell of ... banana? Tyler’s eyes flew open as he finally understood what had woken him up. 

They usually had a no-banana rule on the tour bus and Tyler couldn’t help but wonder which crew member had boldly broken said rule as he got up and hopped down to the ground from his bunk bed. 

In only his boxers, he slowly made his way over to the small kitchen. The ground under him rumbled slightly, so Tyler tread carefully so that he wouldn’t trip again when the bus hit potholes. He didn’t even realize that today would be a road day, but hell, he usually didn’t even know which city they were going to play in that night. 

His whole body arched into the yawn that went through his body and Tyler couldn’t help but grimace at the reflection of himself he just passed in the mirror. It was definitely too early and he looked exactly like that. Also, apparently, he just broke his own rule last night which said that he wasn’t allowed to go to bed with still damp hair. Today he would pay the price with looking like he got electrocuted. 

Tyler quietly made his way out of the sleeping area of the bus as he tried to tame the fluff on top of his head with his fingers. Looked like it would be a beanie day today. Careful not to wake the still-snoring crew members, he closed the door behind him with a small click. 

He already heard quiet noises coming from the kitchen area and found himself really thankful that he wasn’t the first one that woke up today. The closer he got, the stronger the smell that had woken him up became. Tyler stumbled into the kitchen just as the bus dodged a pothole and grabbed on to the kitchen table for support. 

Mark was already up, leaning against one of the kitchen counters and pressing a cup of coffee against his cheeks. He had a pan of something cooking on the stove beside him; that was where the ~~delicious~~ smell was coming from. 

“You know,” Tyler croaked before clearing his throat several times so he could continue speaking, “the coffee is supposed to go in your mouth and not on your face.” 

“Shut it, Joseph,” Mark groaned, but took a large gulp out of the cup anyways. 

Tyler just chuckled in response and went for the fridge, where he grabbed a can of Red Bull and downed almost half of it while the door was still open. 

“For breakfast?” Mark asked and poured another batch of pancake mix on the frying pan. Then leaned over to close the fridge for him. “Seriously?” 

“Let me live.” Tyler stared at Mark for a second before his eyes traveled down to the pancakes which were already stacked on a plate right next to the stove. “This smells so good, mind if I grab some of those?”

Mark paused in his movements and stared at Tyler, his face going slack for a moment. “Seriously?” he yelled, flinched and looked around as if he could see if he just woke somebody up, “seriously?” he whisper-yelled again. 

Now it was Tyler’s turn to be confused and he just shrugged and grabbed one of the still-hot pancakes. He shoved it into his mouth in one bite and moaned as his taste buds registered the flavor. 

“Those are really, really good,” he said with his mouth still full, already grabbing a second one. He didn’t know why, but suddenly he felt like he was starving.

“Tyler,” Mark said again and Tyler didn’t know why he was so _goddamn annoying_ that morning, “what the hell are you doing?” 

“Oh come on, I’ll make the next batch if you’re worried they’re not going to last for you.” He had already inhaled the second one and was eyeing the rest on the plate. 

“I mean,” Mark stuttered, “go ahead, but - _what the hell?_ ” Tyler paused in his movements and stared up at Mark. 

“What?” He was beginning to get really annoyed. “Usually you would yell at me for not eating any breakfast at all.” 

Mark took in a deep breath and flipped the pancake on the pan. “Since when are you eating banana pancakes?” 

It took a moment until Tyler’s brain registered what Mark had just said and he stared down at the pancake clutched in his hand. He swallowed down the part in his mouth. Now that he thought about it, he could definitely taste the banana. Of course he already could before, but now that he thought about it… 

“I mean they are really good,” he shrugged and then grabbed for the next one. 

“You hate bananas, Tyler,” Mark pointed out again. When he didn’t provide an explanation, Mark busied himself with putting the next batch in the pan so he didn’t stare at Tyler anymore. “I mean you and Josh are the reason why we have the no-banana rule in the bus in the first place.” 

Tyler shrugged again and finally sat down, Red Bull in one hand and pancake in the other. “The smell woke me up and I was… I don’t know suddenly I was really _craving_ it, you know?”

  
Mark stared some more before he turned around again and busied himself with using the last bit of pancake batch that was still left. 

“At least get your own plate, dickhead. You are buying me lunch if I can’t get a full breakfast even though I made these for me.”

Mark was clearly trying not to stare at Tyler where he sat opposite of him; he knew he looked like he hadn’t eaten anything sustainable _in weeks_. Tyler was just as surprised as Mark seemed to be when he didn’t just manage to finish his plate, but that after he was done he also kept eyeing Mark’s plate until he finally gave in and shoved it over to Tyler with an exaggerated sigh. 

“You’re going to be the death of me,” he sighed and stood to wash the dishes. Tyler just stared up at him and downed the last bit of his energy drink. 

“Thanks for the breakfast. It was really good.” He crumpled up the can and threw it into the trash can, throwing his hands up in victory as it bounced off of the wall and landed directly in the bin. 

Exhaustion crept up to him with a sudden force and it felt like he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer. “I’m going to, uh, sleep a bit more. See ya,” he mumbled. 

Mark stared at him and blinked a few times. “Uh, sure. Go ahead,” he said before he busied himself with cleaning the kitchen. 

Tyler swayed back to the sleeping area and crawled up to his bunk bed, before he flopped down and fell asleep immediately. _Something was definitely off._

The next time he opened his eyes Tyler stared directly into the eyes of Josh. 

“You reek,” he announced and scrunched up his nose as he inhaled the scent in Tyler’s hair. “I don’t know what Mark was eating this morning but you smell exactly the same.” 

“Banana pancakes,” Tyler answered, his voice still drowsy from sleeping. 

“Disgusting,” the drummer announced before he took a step back. “Maybe you should get up. We’re already at the venue.” Josh turned around to leave, before he turned around once more. “Oh, and take a shower. Please.”

||-// 

Tyler was definitely coming down with something. He was so goddamn exhausted all the time. Too often, he was either napping or just outright sleeping in until Josh woke him up for soundcheck. Or an interview. Or to go out with them. Maybe it was just that the tour has been going on for so long, but Tyler was _tired_. 

Josh started to suspect something when he noticed that Tyler hadn’t been working on new music for almost two weeks. Ever since the banana incident (as Tyler liked to call it) he basically just spent his free time in his bunk. Tyler would never admit it, but he started to get worried too. He knew how to deal with a sleepless night (or nights), knew how much caffeine he had to drink before getting dizzy on stage, how much he had to eat to not pass out in the middle of the set. But the drowsiness? He had no clue how to adjust to that. 

It was one of their rare days off where they didn’t have to travel to another city. The whole crew was excited to explore the place (and Tyler had to ask Josh three times in which city they were in; it was Philadelphia) but Tyler was just ready to sleep the day away so that he hopefully would feel better tomorrow. 

He heard the crew members getting ready to leave and rolled over in his bunk bed so that nobody would even think about asking him to come with them. 

“Is he still asleep?” Brad whispered right in front of his bunk. 

“Looks like it,” Mark whispered back and Tyler could hear how his curtain was being pulled to one side. He quickly shut his eyes, even though he was facing the wall. 

“Man, I’m starting to get worried,” Mark continued as he closed the curtain. As the dark surrounded him again, Tyler opened his eyes and stared at the wall while trying to listen to what they were saying. 

“Same, dude. Yesterday? I saw him eating _strawberries_. A whole carton. Before that I have never even seen him so much as touch a fruit.” 

“God, you won’t believe what happened. Two weeks ago when I was making pancakes in the mor-,“ and they shut the door behind them, leaving a deafening silence behind. 

Tyler let out a deep breath and turned to stare at the ceiling. He couldn’t explain it himself. Usually nobody showed any interest in what he was eating and just more or less ignored that he basically survived on Red Bull and occasionally Taco Bell. _But now?_ What was so weird about craving fruit once in a while? It wasn’t like he was damaging his body, no, it was even good for him. _And they were worried?_

He huffed one more time and then turned around to continue sleeping for a while. He really needed the sleep, _okay?_

By the time he finally felt able to get up, it was already late afternoon. Tyler had spent all day in bed, drifting between being awake and sleeping. 

When he stumbled out into the living area it looked like most of the crew members - at least the ones who lived in this bus - where still gone. Relief flooded his body when he saw Josh on one of the sofas, controller in his hand. On the other side sat Mark, and by the look on his face, it seemed as if he was losing. 

Relieved that he had at least a few minutes of quiet, Tyler flopped down next to Josh and put his head in his lap. Josh lifted his controller a bit higher so that Tyler could fit more comfortably in between his legs and continued playing. After years of being on the road together, they didn’t really need to talk anymore. They were like gears in a clock, always working together, shifting around each other in perfect synchronicity. 

Without him really wanting to, Tyler started to drift off again. He knew that he should probably be concerned that he had just slept away a whole day and was now starting to fall asleep again, but with his head rested in Josh’s lap and the occasional caressing of his hair when the loading screen of the game was on, he basically had no other choice than to sigh contentedly and nuzzled closer to the furnace-like heat Josh always seemed to radiate. 

Tyler didn’t know how long he slept, but when he was gently shaken awake, he was still feeling drowsy.

“Come on you sleepyhead. Wake up. You slept all day.” Josh’s soft voice rang in his ears and he just realized that the game apparently was turned off. 

Tyler really tried responding, but instead he inched closer, seeking more of the warmth that Josh provided. 

“Tyler.” He didn’t have to look to recognize Mark’s voice, and Tyler could hear the concern from just the way he had said his name. “We need to talk to you.”

Tyler lifted his head up from Josh’s lap and tried sitting on his own, but instead leaned now against Josh’s shoulder. Thankfully, Mark and the rest of their team were used to the way both men behaved around each other, so that Josh did what felt natural to both of them threw an arm around Tyler in an offer of comfort that did not bode well for the conversation. 

Tyler’s only answer was a barely-audible groan, but Mark took that as a cue to continue talking. “We are worried, Tyler.” Tyler could hear Mark take in a shaky breath before he continued. “We are worried that you might be sick.” 

It was the way that Mark said it that made Tyler look up. The way Mark’s usual playful tone had changed into pure worry made Tyler shift from his position. He first stared up into Mark’s eyes, then looked over to Josh. 

_You did this,_ Tyler thought to himself as he stared into Josh’s eyes and found only more. _This is your fault._

Tyler knew that neither of the men were talking about the possibility of him just having a regular cold. And sure, Tyler had to admit to himself that the thought of him having something more serious had crossed his mind more times than he was willing to admit. 

“I’m just tired,” Tyler said nonetheless and he felt how Josh tensed up beside him. 

“Is that the reason why you haven’t even looked at your new songs for the past few weeks?” Josh asked softly, and for some reason Tyler couldn’t even explain to himself, this comment made him _furious_. 

“Shut up, Josh.” Tyler snapped back and escaped the tight embrace of Josh’s arms, “Maybe if you would help me once in a while instead of just hanging around, we would have better results by now.” 

Josh’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. This was probably the first time that Tyler had said something so full of frustration to the drummer. They had never fought before and for a second Tyler feared that now would be the first time. But then his anger took over again. 

He straightened and sprang up, turning to face both men. 

“What’s so wrong with being a bit tired once in a while?” he snapped and Josh threw his hands up in defeat. “Or with eating something different once in a while? A few months ago you two would be thrilled that I’m taking care of myself but now you’re _worried_.” Tyler made quotation marks in the air around the last word and completely ignored the way Mark and Josh stared up at him in shock. 

Before either of them could reply, the tour bus opened and one of the newer crew members decided to enter the tour bus. Tyler couldn’t remember his name (but in his defense, that guy joined the crew only a few weeks ago) and just the fact that somebody else now had to witness this made him even more furious. 

New guy stopped mid-step and judging by the way he quickly looked at each of the three men, quickly assessed the situation as something he did not want to be involved in. 

“What?” Tyler snapped and new guy threw his hands up in defense. 

“Didn’t do anything,” he said innocently and took a step back, “but if you want me to, I can go again.”

“That would be nice, thanks.” Tyler’s voice was dripping with venom and even Josh had to raise an eyebrow on his comment. _I’m such an asshole_ , Tyler realized involuntarily. 

“Dick,” crew guy said, but backed off anyways. He turned to close the door again, but stopped right before the door handle and mumbled, probably more to himself, than to the others, “those fucking mood swings. What are you, Tyler? Pregnant?” before the door shut close again. 

Mark breathed out a huff of air that Tyler couldn’t explain as anything other than him trying to suppress a laugh. “He definitely got a point, Tyler,” Mark jokingly said and completely misinterpreted the way Tyler’s whole body had tensed up.

“Oh come on, don’t be upset,” Mark yelled, but Tyler just kept walking. He hadn’t even realized that he had left the living room, panic flowing through his body as his legs automatically carried him to the bathroom. 

He was in flight mode and it took him several seconds to calm his shaking hands enough to use the lock from the bathroom door. His mind was wiped empty, only the word pregnant was etched behind his eyes. He didn’t really know what he was doing, but sat down on the closed toilet seat and pressed his hands into his aching eyes. 

_What am I doing here?_ he thought and forced himself to lift his head. Tyler extended a hand and turned on the shower, hot steam immediately heating up the small room in the back of the bus. This would at least buy him a few minutes before Josh would come and knock on the door to check in on him. He was way too nice for Tyler to handle right now. 

With shaking fingers Tyler retrieved his phone from the pouch of his sweatshirt and opened his internet browser. He stared up at the search bar for a few moments, before he typed in “trans man pregnant?!” without really thinking about it. 

Tyler never really made a big deal out of the fact that he was trans. Sure, the first few years of his life had been truly horrible, especially when puberty started to kick in. But now he’d been on testosterone for more than ten years, and the top surgery had been so long ago that he couldn’t even remember now what it was like to live with that burden on his chest. Thankfully, he was blessed with good genes and the doctors had been able to do the keyhole surgery that left him with barely any scars. That was probably the reason why his fans never caught on the fact that the lead singer of one of the most famous bands in the world was not cis. 

_Until now,_ Tyler bitterly thought and glared down at his abdomen. 

The first tears were starting to restrain his vision and he had to wipe his phone multiple times on his hoodie so that the touchscreen would keep working. He hadn’t even realized that he had begun crying, nor did he really knew why he even started in the first place. But somehow he knew now what had been going on with him for the past few weeks. He just knew; the comment made him realize something his doctor had told him years ago, just right before he got his first testosterone shot. 

And sadly, his quick google search confirmed those fears. Because of the tour, Tyler didn’t always get his T-shots on time - sometimes he even forgot all about them. But who couldn’t really blame him? He was on the road all of the time, after all. Just like birth control, his doctor had told him back then, he had to be careful when it came to unprotected vaginal sex. Besides the obvious risk of sexually transmitted diseases, it was very much possible for a trans man to become pregnant when he wasn’t taking his testosterone at the prescribed dosage and time intervals. 

Back then Tyler had laughed and shrugged it off. Back then he was still a virgin, because - so he thought - it was not like somebody would be interested in sleeping with a trans guy anyways, right? Back then he hadn’t even dared of singing in front of anybody else than his parents, his voice had made him feel too self conscious about himself, and then his doctor expected him to feel comfortable enough to undress in front of another person? 

That was almost a decade ago and not only had Tyler’s body changed, but he had also become much more confident with himself and his appearance. He was now at the point where he actually liked the way he looked. Sure, he had those days, but generally speaking, he was content with the way he looked. 

It wasn’t really surprising to anybody when he and Josh started hooking up a few months after they had met. They weren’t romantically involved in any way, no. It was just a combination of the months away from anybody else and the impossible nature of forming any closer relationships than a few one night stands along the way (for Josh, not for Tyler). It had made them grow closer than any other friendship Tyler had ever encountered. 

So naturally,being constantly in close proximity for the better part of a year led inevitably to that first night a few years ago. They had played their first sold out show in a state other than just Ohio. Both were so full of endorphins that one thing just led to another. Since it never really affected the way both men behaved around each other, they continued to make use of the rare days when they had a hotel room to themselves and were both bored and horny. 

_But it can’t be, right?_ Tyler couldn’t even remember the last time he had his period. What were the odds that he was actually able to conceive and him and Josh actually hooked up that night?

“Impossible,” Tyler mumbled to himself and wiped the tears off on his sleeve. 

_Almost impossible,_ a tiny voice inside of him whispered and Tyler shook his head to get rid of the doubt. 

He quickly undressed himself and stepped into the steaming shower, both to back up his excuse and to get rid of the tear stains on his face. He was behaving completely unreasonably, Tyler tried telling himself as he stood under the burning stream of water. 

After he finally stepped off the shower and saw his pink skin in the mirror, he googled for the closest pharmacy. 

||-// 

Finding an excuse to get off the bus and take a walk on his own was easy. Josh shot him a worried look after he came out of the bathroom, but didn’t try to engage Tyler in a conversation. He didn’t want to admit it to himself, but Tyler had probably hurt Josh more with that comment than he intended to. 

He pulled his hood over his head as he took the short walk to the pharmacy and ducked his head down low every time somebody walked past him. It was very unlikely that he was going to get recognized on the streets, but he was definitely not in the mood to engage with any of his fans right now. 

He kept the hood on as he walked into the pharmacy and didn’t try to look the cashier in the eyes as he bought the most reliable pregnancy test he could find at first glance. 

Somehow he made it back to the bus on autopilot, the test buried deep inside of his backpack. 

Tyler hadn’t even realized that it was already dark outside when he came back and worry flowed through his body once more when he saw Josh waiting on the sofa for him. 

Without another word Tyler sat down next to Josh and took his hands into his own. For a while they only sat next to each other, the only source of light coming from the street lamps from outside. 

“I sent Mark away,” Josh finally whispered in the dark. “I figured you might want an evening on your own. We can order pizza if you want to.” His words made Tyler’s heart swell up with the overload affection he felt for Josh. The man knew him way too well. When Tyler didn’t (or more accurately, couldn’t) respond, Josh quickly added, “I can also leave if you want to.” 

Before Josh could say any more, Tyler cuddled up right next to him, wrapping his arms around him. “I am sorry,“ Tyler whispered into his hair and even if he wasn’t entirely sure that Josh heard him, he was sure that he understood. 

The pregnancy test stayed buried in his backpack that night. 

For the next two weeks Tyler tried not to think about the test anymore. Sure, he had bought it, but it was only in a moment of weakness. The next morning, as he really thought about it, he decided couldn’t possibly be pregnant, right? _Right?_

But the panic stayed and Tyler could only watch how the “symptoms” were becoming more and more clear. He tried not to be that much of an asshole towards his crew anymore and when on some days it wasn’t possible, he at least tried to stay nice to Josh. It wasn’t easy. 

Yes, maybe he was more moody than usual and yes, he was so goddamn exhausted all day, but that could be just because of the tour. He hadn’t had his period in years, so why should he be pregnant? Josh and him did hook up occasionally, but pregnant? Him? Never. They had slept with each other more often during the last few weeks but that was just to let off some steam, right?

Tour continued on like everything was normal. Tyler kept sleeping the day away, though sometimes he made himself pretend to work on his music to keep Josh from worrying even more. But the truth was, he didn’t have the energy to think about creating something new. Every time he sat down in front of his laptop his mind automatically wandered to rompers and pacifiers and he caught himself staring at his belly more times than he was willing to admit. 

If this was his life now then he just had to manage until tour was over and then get checked out by a doctor. He was sure that it was nothing.

Everything changed again l one night after a concert. He woke up in Josh’s arms as he was being carried back to the tour bus. Tyler hadn’t even realized that he fell asleep in the green room. In retrospect though, he was surprised that he even managed to stay awake until the end of the set. Right after they had left the stage, he went back to the green room and straight up collapsed on one of their sofas. 

Josh just carried him all the way back to his bunk and wrapped Tyler in his arms, whispering hushed words of reassurance every time Tyler started tearing up again. He didn’t even really know why he was crying - he just couldn’t take everything anymore. 

He locked himself in the bathroom the next morning and just whispered “fuck it,” before peeing on that stupid pregnancy test. 

He was scrolling through twitter while waiting the longest three minutes of his life, telling himself that he just wanted to get it settled so he never had to worry about it again. 

Tyler realized how foolish that idea was when he stared at the big and bold plus on the test. 


	2. "Two please"

He was pretty sure that they were in Salt Lake City. Definitely somewhere in that area. Or Seattle? Someone probably knew, but it wasn’t him. 

Tyler had carried the weight of being pregnant for about a week now, and to his own surprise, he hadn’t freaked out yet. Or maybe just not as much as he’d thought he would. 

After he had stared at the positive test for about an hour - his mind completely shut off for the first time in forever - he wrapped the test in as much toilet paper as he could possibly find in the small bathroom and buried it deep into the waste bin under the sink. 

Based on his own knowledge (and extensive late night googling), he couldn’t be that far along, since the big, obvious signs (the belly) weren’t there yet and the other symptoms had only begun popping up in the last few days. If he was being honest, he would prefer to pretend that it wasn’t happening and only deal with it at the point that he couldn’t possibly ignore it anymore. And if he was being completely honest with himself that time was very much _not now._

But Tyler also had to admit to himself that there was probably no perfect timing for news like this. People _would_ start to notice at some point and he hadn’t even seen a doctor yet. 

So with that in mind, he stumbled out of bed far too early one morning and made a beeline for the bathroom before anybody could even attempt talking to him. He was pretty sure that he sped past a very surprised Josh, who definitely didn’t expect to see Tyler that early in the morning. 

After a quick shower Tyler, put on his clothes he had brought with him. Changing always had been a challenge on the tour bus, especially in the too-small bathroom. But ever since the big bomb was dropped on him, he’d begun taking extra pains to undress only when he was sure nobody was looking. To Josh’s obvious surprise, Tyler also started wearing shirts to sleep; at least he hadn’t remarked on it, other than a few odd glances in his direction. 

Ever since his top surgery, Tyler had made full use of his new freedom. He knew that Josh would never ask him if there was a particular reason of his new choice of sleep attire which was great because Tyler would never want to admit that he now slept with a shirt on in case a fucking bump showed up overnight. He was very aware that this was pretty unrealistic, but apparently anything was possible now.

When Tyler eventually stepped into the small living area he still didn’t feel any more awake than before, but Josh’s kind smile and a steaming pot of coffee gave him at least some motivation to make the best of this morning. Without really thinking Tyler snuggled down right next to Josh. He continued staring at his phone, only acknowledging Tyler with a quiet hum before scrolling deeper through his twitter feed. The way his hair still stuck up at the back of his head told Tyler that Josh probably didn’t feel any more awake than he did. 

Drawn by the warmth of Josh’s body like a moth to a flame, Tyler kept inching closer and closer until his head was buried deep in the crook of Josh’s neck. He breathed in the pleasant scent that he could only identify as _Josh_ , and mumbled “g’mornin,” his lips touching the sensitive skin of Josh’s throat. 

Josh immediately melted beside him and he seemed to subconsciously scoot closer to Tyler’s touch. Tyler started trailing open mouthed kisses down Josh’s neck and listened to the way his breathing got faster, chasing the small, almost unnoticeable moans that escaped his mouth. 

In a swift motion that even surprised Tyler, he swung one leg over Josh and straddled his hips. Their lips met in an open mouthed kiss and any tiredness that Tyler had felt before was washed away by the feeling on Josh’s lips on his own. 

They rarely simultaneously had enough privacy and the right mindset to enjoy the togetherness of just the two of them. _But it was definitely not a relationship, no,_ Tyler thought as his hands found the back of Josh’s head. His fingers tightening around the short, curly hairs at the nape of his neck, _definitely not._

Tyler deepened the kiss and in response, Josh’s grip around his waist tightened as he got pulled closer in Josh’s lap. 

“Ty, what is going on with you?” Josh moaned in his ear once Tyler’s lips left his mouth for a second, only to continue kissing his way across Josh’s chin and neck. 

“I just- need you,” Tyler exhaled before sucking a bruise into the pale skin of Josh’s throat. He couldn’t explain - even to himself - where this deep desire was coming from all of a sudden. He just knew that he wanted Josh. _Now._

  
“I’m definitely not complaining.” The answer came in between two moans, hushed out before Josh continued trailing his fingers down Tyler’s back until they settled on his ass. Just like practiced choreography, Tyler started rolling his hips and with a satisfied smirk, felt how Josh’s erection pressed against him. 

Their mouths met for another kiss and Josh’s grip tightened; like Tyler didn’t weigh anything, he found himself lifted off of Josh’s lap and tossed back down on the sofa, this time laying on his back. It took Josh only seconds to take off his shirt and settle back on top of Tyler, the hard line of his dick directly pressing in between Tyler’s legs. 

“Where do you want me?” Josh’s familiar smirk had returned, as had the hunger in his eyes that Tyler missed in between their little hookups. He couldn’t help but drag Josh down for another kiss. He wanted more - he _needed_ more. It didn’t matter if somebody saw him with his shirt off or that they were in a public room, he needed him now- 

And then, because the universe had some awful sense of humor, the door leading to the bunk room opened and Mark walked out. 

He stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed the position he found the two of them in before he averted his eyes, using one hand as a shield, and continued walking toward the bathroom. Josh froze over him, his hands planted on either side of Tyler’s head. Just as Mark reached the bathroom door, he stopped and - without dropping his hand from his eyes -said, “Guys. There is a no-hook-up rule for a reason. We don’t need the emotional scarring from another uh, what’s the term, _in flagrante delicto?_ ” 

Josh stared down at Tyler and they shared a small smile before Josh gave him another peck on the lips and then stood. He extended one arm and helped Tyler up into a seating position, before he fished for his shirt from behind the sofa and put it back on before plopping back down beside him. 

Since Mark had destroyed the mood between the two of them, Tyler just let out a frustrated sigh when Josh put an arm around him. For a short amount of time, it felt like they were in an actual relationship and not just two men occasionally hooking up. And Tyler didn’t want to admit it to himself, but he liked that thought. _No,_ he immediately scolded himself, _that was not what they wanted._

“I’m going to the doctors today,” Tyler whispered, struggling to focus on getting the words out as Josh lazily stroked his back. With the others waking up around them they relished the few moments of just the two of them together, before the hectics of leading a tour or taking care of the crew would take a toll on both of them. 

“Want me to take you?” Josh always took advantage of the few off days they had and rented a car to explore the city and the surroundings they were in. Usually it was only Josh who went, Tyler buried deep in the music he was writing, but for the past few weeks it was Tyler napping on the bus while Josh was on his exploring tour. 

But since circumstances were different now, Tyler was grateful to have that opportunity and he accepted. He still insisted on going in alone and Josh was happy to wait in the car. Tyler didn’t ask but it seemed as if Josh was relieved that Tyler finally acknowledged the fact that he had to take care of the issue. 

As Josh got up to get ready for him to drive, Tyler stopped for a moment and wondered where his sudden desire to hook up on the bus had come from -- a quick google search confirmed what he had feared. Apparently, not only him, but many other parents-to-be (he was _not_ a mother) “suffered” from pregnancy symptoms, including hormonal changes that basically led them to be horny all the goddamn time. Thankfully, Josh didn’t seem to mind. And if Tyler was being honest with himself, he really didn’t either. 

Josh still needed some time to get ready, so Tyler took advantage of the available time and searched for an OB/GYN that wouldn’t be too far away. Thankfully, he found one that was in a big clinic so that he didn’t have to explain why he chose specifically to go to that kind of doctor. He knew that he had to tell Josh in the end (he was the father after all, and just the fact that Josh was now about to become a _father_ made Tyler’s stomach turn - neither of them deserved that) but he wanted to do it on his own terms, and not by Josh walking in on him going to an OB/GYN. 

“Are you ready?” 

Tyler looked up and stared up to the goofy smile that Josh only ever directed towards him. When he looked closer, he could see that it was mostly fake, with the sole purpose to lighten the mood and easy Tyler’s anxiety, but he was thankful nonetheless. 

As he got up from the sofa and walked towards Josh, his insides shifted. Before he even made it towards his friend, he stopped midway and cocked his head to one side, thinking. “I need to pee,” he announced and turned around, quickly walking towards the bathroom that was thankfully unoccupied. 

Behind him, Josh laughed. “Again? Dude, you really need to cut down your Red Bull intake.” 

Tyler laughed along nervously, before he closed the door behind him. From what he had gathered online it was definitely not that he had started drinking more, but the hormonal changes and the expanding uterus gave him the more frequent urge to pee. During the past few days he had learned so much more about pregnancies than he had ever cared to. 

Behind the door, Tyler stopped for a moment, only to realize that ever since he had found out (subconsciously or not), he had not had a single energy drink. But that was only good for the baby, right? 

Tyler froze. For the first time, he had actually thought about his _issue_ , as a baby. 

||-// 

“Mr. Joseph?” 

Tyler got up from his uncomfortable seat in the waiting room and walked past the judgmental looks of expecting mothers with mostly (probably) their respective fathers-to-be, into the doctor’s room. Involuntarily, his cheeks reddened from the stares that followed until he could finally close the door behind him. 

Tyler really was relieved that nobody recognized him, as it would only stir rumors about what exactly he was doing here. They never really talked about any past (or ongoing) relationships with the internet world or their fans, and both Josh and Tyler preferred to keep their private life as it was - private. Because of this, the stares he had received were probably more directed at him because he was a man alone in the waiting room of an obstetrician, rather than because he was a celebrity.

Having already discussed his medical backstory with a nurse and surviving the general check up after, he now found himself in the doctor’s examination room, facing a woman in her late 50s. Her kind eyes and her smile after she had said “Please take a seat, Mr. Joseph,” made him relax his tense shoulders and he could return the smile. He knew that nowadays he rarely had to face transphobic comments, but it was nice to know that he didn’t have to explain himself here in this environment and given the circumstances. 

“And?” Tyler asked, after he took a seat in front of the desk, fidgeting with his hands as he waited for the results from the urine test he had taken. Maybe the pregnancy test he took last week was wrong, maybe he was imagining things and soon the doctor would laugh in his face, explaining the effects of testosterone on his body and how it was impossible for him to conceive… 

“Well congratulations, Mr. Joseph!” and his heart sank from the cheerful smile that was directed towards him, “you are about nine weeks pregnant.” 

His heart stopped beating for a second, only to continue at a much faster staccato. So it was true after all, he was not imagining things. In a few months he was going to be … a father. 

The nice doctor - he had even completely forgot to ask for her name since he had been too nervous - must have sensed the whirlwind of emotions going on in his head and gave him a minute to process his thoughts. As he finally gave a shaky nod as an answer, she extended her arm and took a clammy hand into hers. 

“This must be hard for you, Mr. Joseph. I can’t even imagine what it must be like, since the natural conception of a child probably has been the last thing on your mind. But believe me when I say, you are not the first transsexual man that has entered my clinic. There are more than you think, even more than the internet has probably told you.” A small smile involuntarily broke out on his lips and she immediately smiled back, before getting up from her chair and walking around the desk, before she crouched down in front of him. 

  
“We still need to do a few examinations. Do you feel in the right headspace for this, or do you need a few days to process things?” She took a deep breath and then continued caressing his hand, “we can also wait for the … other father if you want to.” 

The last sentence brought him out of his shock and he violently shook his head. “No, no… Not him. I’m ready,” he nodded and got up to prove his point. Now was not the time to get lost in his own head, he needed to get over with this so that he could finally go back and deal with this on his own terms. 

She stared at him for a moment longer, then she got up and walked to the other side of the room. He stood there, waiting, until she waved him over to the examination table and like on autopilot he lay down on it. Caught up in his own head, he hadn’t even noticed the cold gel that she had put on his belly. 

A regular, steady sound made him whip his head around and he stared at the small monitor. He couldn’t see anything that looked like a baby in the slightest, but the doctor apparently did. She noticed him staring. “That’s the heartbeat,” she explained and proceeded to explain to him everything that she saw on the screen. 

It seemed as if Tyler’s mind completely shut down, he could only stare at the black and white screen, listening to the steady heartbeat of _his_ baby. _This is real_ , suddenly dawned on him. _All of this is real._

“It looks like everything is normal and as it should be. Since you can’t really tell me when your last period was, I can only judge based on size and the symptoms but I guess 9 weeks sounds about correct.” He nodded in response and continued staring at the small monitor. Again, she seemed to detect his emotions. 

  
“Do you want to have a photo?,” she asked softly. 

“Two please.” His voice sounded much more vulnerable than he would like to, but the doctor didn’t comment on it. He was able to wipe the gel off his belly before a nurse pressed two photos into his hands. _Of my baby,_ Tyler thought, _No, of our baby._

“I don’t think I need to tell you that it would be best to stop the testosterone shots for the duration of the pregnancy. If you decide to keep it,” his doctor continued, “abortion is also a possibility you and your partner can discuss.” 

Tyler kept staring at the photos in his hand and tried to process what the doctor was telling him. He needed to talk to Josh anyways, it wasn’t just his decision to make. 

“I know you probably won’t be able to come back to my clinic, but I would advise you to have another check up in about four weeks.” 

Tyler looked up and found recognition in her eyes. So she knew who he was and how busy his schedule on tour looked like. 

“Don’t worry. Doctor’s confidentiality” she quickly added after she spotted the panic in his eyes, and then winked.

The rest of the examination went by for Tyler almost unnoticed. He knew that he was probably supposed to listen, but he continued staring at the two blurry photos in his hands. 

And before he knew, he stood in front of the clinic waiting for Josh. Tyler couldn’t even remember sending him a text, but the answer “be there in 5” made him push down the feeling of numbness that was starting to spread through his entire body. 

He stuffed the photos and the pamphlets that were now somehow in his possession in the backpocket of his jeans (“What to expect when expecting” - Tyler only snorted when he read the title but it was probably helpful anyways) and anxiously waited for Josh to arrive. 

||-// 

Tyler stayed quiet for the rest of the day, ignoring Josh’s worried looks thrown in his direction and tried to sort out his thoughts on his own. He knew that he had to tell everyone at one point, he had to tell the crew, their label… and most importantly, he had to tell Josh. 

But what was he going to do? Adoption? Not up for debate. Even the word abortion made him shudder. Would his family accept him? _Of course they would,_ he immediately scolded himself. They already accept him as a person, of course they would accept … his child. 

Josh didn’t question it when Tyler asked him to share the bunk bed with him that night. They usually did when one of them had suffered a nightmare -- Tyler still remembered the days when Josh had an anxiety attack before almost every concert and the only thing that brought him down was their nightly routine after their shows. Josh didn’t question it when Tyler held Josh tight, and he didn’t question the tears that escaped his eyes. He didn’t question that they both stayed awake, relishing each other’s company and listening in silence as the whole crew went to bed and then fell asleep. 

When Tyler was sure that everybody on the bus was asleep, he spoke up. “Can we talk?”

“Of course.” The response was immediate. Tyler didn’t want to ask but Josh must be sick with worry and that prevented him from sleeping that night. Or he just knew that Tyler wanted to wait until everybody else was asleep, before even Tyler had formed that plan inside his head. 

“Can we go … outside?” 

“Can’t we talk here?” Next to Tyler, Josh turned, now facing him and Tyler could feel Josh’s eyes on him. “It’s freezing outside, Tyler.” 

“I just need to be outside.” And of course Josh understood, he was always so kind and understanding when it came to Tyler’s quirks and always made sure that he was the one that was comfortable. Josh always was the attentive one. 

_Now or never_ , Tyler thought as he pushed himself out of bed. He knew that he was stalling, that he had to talk to him but going outside would be better than being surrounded by their crew, their snores and the risk of one of them waking up. 

And of course, Josh would never refuse the prospect of a clear night sky. Thankfully, he was smart enough to bring their blanket. 

Tyler knew that a park must be close by. Josh seemed surprised when Tyler grabbed his hand but thankfully didn’t question it as he got dragged to a bench on the edge of the park. Tyler put the blanket around the two of them and smiled as Josh immediately scooted closer. 

“Do you know how my T shots work, Josh?” Tyler asked after he felt like he had sorted out his thoughts enough to articulate them. 

Next to him, Josh shifted and threw an arm around him. “I mean, I get the gist of it,” he finally replied, his voice wavering. 

“Well basically, it provides my body with the male hormones it needs and simultaneously prevents the female hormones of working their way through. Hence the deeper voice, body hair, etc. You know that.” 

Josh nodded in confirmation and Tyler took the cue to continue talking. 

“While most female attributes are repressed, there were still some … risks. Risks I wasn’t aware of. Risks .. we were not aware of.” 

“Tyler?” Josh asked, his voice much higher than usual and Tyler already could feel the first tears burning behind his eyes. He was ruining Josh’s life. He did not deserve this, and he deserved someone so much better than Tyler could ever be. 

“Are you sick?” 

Tyler didn’t reply, couldn't reply. Telling him now was a bad idea, he should have waited longer, he should have … 

Unfortunately, Josh interpreted his silence the other way. “How much … How much longer do you have?” 

And Tyler felt like laughing and crying at the same time. That probably explained the sound that escaped his mouth. Technically Josh was not wrong but also so, so completely on the wrong path. He couldn’t blame him. Everybody would have come to that conclusion, based on Tyler’s lax explanation. 

“No, not. Not like that.” _Now or never,_ Tyler thought and took a deep breath in, before he quickly mumbled, “Impregnant.” 

“Come again?” 

So Tyler said it again, this time more clearly, while he could feel the tears spilling down his cheeks. This was the first time he had said it out loud to another person other than just the doctor. His anxiety was pressing down on his throat, making him unable to breathe for a second. But he continued explaining nonetheless, explaining the symptoms and the comment the crew guy had made, him frantically googling, him laughing and crying until he had finally admitted to himself that something was wrong, peeing on that stupid test and then going to the clinic. He explained everything and when he finally pulled the slightly crumpled ultrasound picture out of his back pocket and handed it to Josh, he dared to look up. 

Next to him, Josh went very quiet, completely unmoving and Tyler feared that he was going to run away at any moment, leaving him and his child ~~their child~~ alone, quitting the band, never talking to him again… 

Even though the darkness made it hard for him to see, he slowly looked over to Josh, and he had never seen him that pale before. Anxiously fidgeting with his hands and the picture still clutched in them, he waited for Josh to say something, anything. 

In retrospect, he didn’t know how long he had waited. He watched the stars making their way over the night sky, all while holding Josh’s clammy hand in his own. The cold around them didn’t matter anymore, but Tyler was really happy nonetheless that Josh was still willing to share that blanket with him. 

One eternity later and still not soon enough, Josh retrieved his hand and took a deep breath before he got up. Tyler feared that he was going to leave but instead started pacing in front of the bench Tyler was seated on. 

“I’m not ready to become a father, I’m gay, this was definitely not supposed to happen,” Josh mumbled and Tyler couldn’t help but smile through the tears that still escaped his eyes.

“Fuckin’ me neither dude,” Tyler answered and thankfully that made Josh laugh, before he continued pacing. 

“My mum’s going to kill me. I knocked up my friend without being in a relationship. We are in the middle of the tour. This was not supposed to happen,” and Josh became quiet, before he continued mumbling the last sentence over and over again. 

Tyler fidgeted with the edge of his blanket, before he gently set it down on the bench and got up to stand in front of Josh. He had made a decision that he hadn’t even seen clearly before. But for the sake of Josh, he knew this was the only possibility. Tyler couldn’t just ruin Josh’s life like this. 

“We don’t have to tell anybody it’s yours. I can just leave, it’s fine,” Tyler mumbled once he stood in front of Josh and the other stiffened completely, “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to put you into that position.” 

Josh didn’t reply and Tyler turned to leave. He knew that it would probably be best like this. Josh would probably find a new singer for the band and if he insisted, then Tyler would even continue writing songs for him. He just needed to completely disappear from the spotlight and it would be fine. He knew that it would be hard, but he could do it. For Josh. 

Then a hand stopped him in his movements. “Are you kidding me?” Josh exploded and even the tone was harsh and Tyler had probably never seen him this angry, he couldn’t help but smile. “I am not leaving you alone.” 

Josh gently pushed him back on the bench, before he knelt down in front of him. The kiss they shared was short, but it helped Tyler eliminate the doubt he still had inside his mind. Josh glanced down at his belly and Tyler knew that he had to get used to people staring (but with Josh it was different, he knew that), before a cold hand gently pressed down on his stomach. 

“I mean, I knocked you up. Would be a pretty dick move to just vanish. We’re in this together, Tyler.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for making it to the end! Again, you know the drill - please comment and don't forget the kudos. See you next time!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: vomiting

The night sky had already turned into shades of gold and rose when they finally returned to the bus. The night went by much faster than Tyler could have anticipated, and when he glanced at his watch in the dim morning light, he realized that they had only mere minutes left before the bus driver would arrive and ferry them to the next city. 

Thankfully, nobody else was awake when they sprinted through the open doors of the bus, and only the driver gave them an odd look before he closed the doors behind them and drove off. 

But Tyler and Josh were giggling, dizzy from lack of sleep and the fact that there finally were no more boundaries or secrets between them. They didn’t have it in them to care if they woke somebody in the process and they didn’t even bother changing before collapsing on Josh’s bunk bed. For the first time in weeks, Tyler didn’t feel guilty for immediately falling asleep. Now it was justified. Josh knew what was going on and was going to stay with him. He was going to be taken care of. 

It wasn’t surprising that both of them slept until the early afternoon, and only bothered to get up at all because Mark refused to wait for them any longer and woke them up.

“Guys, what did I tell you about the no-hook-up rule on the bus?” was the first comment thrown into their direction as he and Josh finally emerged from their bunk bed. He couldn’t really say anything in his defense; his hair sticking up in all directions was evidence enough of a night spent awake. Even though the crew came to the wrong conclusion, Tyler wasn’t very keen on correcting them about the real purpose of their sleepless night. 

Tyler probably shouldn’t have been surprised about the dirty comments that were thrown in his direction after he got up. It wasn’t suspicious anymore when Tyler slept until it was time for their soundcheck, but Josh usually was up in time for his work out. 

Tyler, just like he had done for the past few weeks, ducked his head and went to the shower. By now he was used to comments about his behavior and habits and learned to ignore them. If he was being honest with himself, he knew that things were definitely going to be a lot worse once his pregnancy couldn’t be hidden anymore, so there was no use in him getting upset over small things like that. 

But Josh was not used to it. On his way to the coffee maker, he stopped mid movement and turned around. “Do you have a fucking problem, Brad?” 

The photographer only raised his hands in defense, and turned back to his equipment, although he continued muttering under his breath, “Looks like the Tyler-plague got you too, man.” 

Next to Tyler, he could feel Josh stiffen. As much as he appreciated him trying to fight his battles for him, it would do both of them no good in the long run. That was why Tyler extended a hand and grabbed Josh by his biceps, gently applying pressure until he looked back at him. 

“Leave it, it’s fine,” Tyler whispered, and didn’t let go until Josh nodded grimly in confirmation. 

The bus went quiet afterwards and Tyler couldn’t ignore the pang of guilt he  felt in his gut. All of this was his fault. If only he would have taken more care of his T-shots then the wouldn’t have caused so much trouble. He turned back around to Josh and witnessed him deathstaring Brad, who didn’t look much happier about the outcome. 

Things continued like that for the next hour. Wherever Tyler went (and there weren’t many possible options, still being on a moving vehicle and all), crew members gave him dirty looks and snarky comments about his behavior. Thankfully, Mark still appeared to be on his side, but when he started giving Tyler the talk of, “At least somebody had to stay responsible” it was Josh who exploded. 

“We need to talk, now. Get Brad, Michael and Tom,” he said through gritted teeth. Mark raised his eyebrows, but didn’t comment further on it. Another death stare directed towards the remaining crew members quickly drove them out of the living area and into the bunks and it didn’t take long for the others to emerge. 

Tyler knew what was going to come, him and Josh had talked about when they were going to involve the close circle of their team in lengths last night. He knew that it would be best if they told the other important people of their crew while the bus was still rolling. This way none of them could really escape (and Tyler insisted on not causing any more time delays - they still had to play a show tonight) and things could really (hopefully) talked about. 

They all stared at him with expectant eyes, as if they knew that Josh couldn’t possibly be the reason why they had an emergency meeting like that. Tyler could read the worry in their eyes Mark finally spoke up. 

  
“Well? What’s going on?” 

Tyler played with his hands, unsure about how to start a conversation like that. Sure, in theory everything had sounded really good yesterday. Thankfully it was Josh who grounded him, supporting him with a hand in the small of his back, and suddenly everything seemed not as important as the steady pressure of Josh’s hand. 

“I went to the doctors yesterday,” Tyler finally said and he knew that he had made a mistake when he witnessed all men going completely stiff. 

“So is it true?” Brad asked with his voice strained. “You are sick?” 

Tyler shrugged helplessly and looked over to Josh, who thankfully got the message. “Technically it is even my fault.” 

That made it even worse. Tom stared at Josh and then muttered, probably more to himself than to the others, “STD then? So it’s both of them.” 

“No,” Tyler and Josh yelled simultaneously. “Not like that,” Tyler added after everybody still stared at them in disbelief. 

_ Now or never, _ he thought, and before his brain could comprehend what his mouth had already said, the statement was now in the room. 

Deafening silence overtook the room, before all men decided to speak at the same time. “What-”, “How-”, “Are you sure?” 

Brad said what the others probably hadn’t noticed before. “Hold on,” and raised one hand, “What do you mean it’s Josh’s fault-,” stopped himself mid sentence and stared at Josh. 

“Josh out of all people?” Mark shouted and Tyler could feel his cheeks redden. 

“Come on I’m not that bad,” Josh whispered quiet enough that only Tyler could hear him and he earned a small smile in return. 

“At least it’s better than a groupie trying to blackmail us for that info.” Michael tried to stay reasonable, at least one of them. 

Tyler could only shrug helplessly and then stared up at Josh for moral support. He promptly smiled back, but even Tyler could tell that it was a bit strained.  _ At least the truth was out now, _ Tyler thought and judging by the look gave Josh him he must have thought the same. 

“Well at least it’s nothing serious like we all thought at first,” Tom finally spoke up, “Thank you for sharing that info with us.” 

A small smile crept on Tyler’s face and the grip of Josh’s hand tightened. Tom always knew how to make both of them feel better, even when they had screwed up in every possible way and Tyler admired this trait so much right now. 

“I mean, that’s true,” Brad added after nodding along to what Tom had said, “but what’s going to happen to our tour?”

Tyler had expected that question but judging by the look of the other men in the room, they were completely caught off guard. 

“Fuck.” Mark broke the silence and Tyler looked up at Josh again, waiting for a short approving nod and then spoke up.

“It’s fine guys,” he said and immediately regretted his choice of words as all eyes were now on him again. As much as he loved being on stage in front of thousands of people every night, he hated being the center of the room and having to talk about something important. 

“I’m only about nine weeks … pregnant.” Again, he had stumbled over the word, but thankfully, Josh seemed to have gotten the message. 

“We talked about it yesterday,” he said in such a calm voice that Tyler looked up in surprise. “The tour will end a few weeks before the baby is due. We could actually do this guys.” His big smile seemed to work wonders on the tension in the room. 

“I’m still worried, Tyler,” Mark said and the feeling in Tyler’s gut that he had been trying to ignore for the past minute intensified. “Leading a tour isn’t easy and growing a tiny human inside your body certainly doesn’t make it easier. What do you want to tell your fans?” 

“We’ll figure something out once the evidence can’t be hidden anymore.” Josh answered and Tyler involuntarily clutched his belly in his hands and could watch how everybody trailed their eyes down to it. He already hated the stares. 

“It’s going to work out, Mark,” Tyler whispered and tried to smile but only managed a grimace. The feeling in his gut definitely didn’t come from the 'tiny human inside of him' - as Mark had phrased it -, for that it was way too early. He just tried to shrug it off as being too nervous for this kind of conversation, but it didn’t make it easier for him to ignore the nausea intensifying with every second passing. 

Tyler tried coming back to the conversation that had now erupted in the bus, but found it hard to follow, or even comprehend the words being said. He swallowed several times to force down the bile, but it was too late. 

“-yler?” The pressure in the small of his back was back and Tyler met Josh’s kind eyes with his own. 

He opened his mouth to answer, but then stopped and stared at Josh with his eyes wide open. “Sorry,” he croaked before he ran towards the small bathroom and slammed the door shut behind him. 

He reached the toilet bowl just in time and threw himself over it before heaving several times. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so miserable. 

When only stomach acid was coming up, he leaned back and rested his head against the wall. One shaky hand reached up for the flush and he closed his eyes, just focusing on the quiet rumbling of the bus engine. 

A short knock disturbed the quiet and Tyler just knew that it was Josh. Without waiting for an answer, Josh slowly opened the door and closed it again behind him. Tyler didn’t have to look up to see the worried look on his face, and a tired smile crept on his face. 

“That went well, hm?” He croaked and then opened his eyes to be greeted by a small smile in return on Josh’s lips. 

A cold cloth was pressed down on his forehead and Tyler closed his eyes in relief. As always, Josh knew exactly what he would need. 

“Ate something wrong?” Josh probably knew the answer, but it was his way of getting Tyler to talk. He removed the cloth for a second and then drizzled the water down Tyler’s neck. 

“I guess a nice mixture of anxiety, hormones, and a blind bandit living in my uterus.” 

Josh hummed as an answer and pressed the cloth back down on his forehead. Tyler leaned into the touch and relished a few seconds where he could just listen to Josh’s quiet breaths and tried to mimic them. 

“Take your time, okay? I’m going to the bunks and you can join me whenever.” 

Tyler nodded tiredly and the cloth disappeared from his neck. Once the door shut again Tyler let out a shaky breath. He had absolutely no clue what had been going on with him, but honestly, when did he during the past weeks? 

For once, he actually had to thank his blind bandit for handling the situation so well. Only a few more minutes in this cramped room and he would have actually lost it. 

Once Tyler felt like he was not going to throw up again, he got up and stood in front of the mirror, huffing as he saw his reflection. Brushing his teeth definitely helped him feel better, but the man who stared back at him still resembled more of a corpse than anything else. 

_ But there was nothing else he could really do about it,  _ Tyler thought, shrugged and went back into the living area. 

Only Mark had remained and the worry in his eyes spoke for itself, but he thankfully didn’t say anything as Tyler brushed past him. The meeting definitely was postponed to a later day and judging by the way he opened his mouth, and soon after closed it again indicated that Josh had probably said something about leaving him alone. 

Once again Tyler couldn’t even put into words how thankful he was for the deep understanding Josh had for him and his feelings. 

When he walked past Mark and just shrugged in a manner that was hopefully apologetic, he was then greeted by Josh lying in Tyler’s bunk bed, reading something that Tyler couldn’t quite see since Josh’s knees where in the way. Tyler joined Josh in the bunk and ungracefully flopped down beside him. He immediately seeked the warmth of Josh’s neck and the arm thrown around him pressed him closer to Josh’s warm body, until only mere inches were between Tyler and the sensitive skin of Josh’s neck. 

“‘m sorry,” he mumbled into him and Josh shuddered involuntarily. 

“There is nothing to be sorry about, darling,” Josh whispered back and kissed Tyler’s forehead before resuming with his reading. 

“But I ruined the conversation.” Tyler inched closer and pressed a short kiss against Josh’s neck. 

Josh laughed and flipped a page, before a hand came down on Tyler’s head, caressing the short hairs with his fingers. 

“It isn't your fault. You didn’t ruin anything.” 

Tyler remained silent and listened once again to Josh’s steady breath. They stayed like this for a while and Tyler almost dozed off, leaning into the soft touches Josh provided with his one hand, only getting interrupted for the short moment it took him to flip to another page. 

When the bus came to a screeching halt, so did Josh’s hand on his head and Tyler involuntarily opened his eyes, groaning. For once he felt comfortable since knowing what had been going on with him, but last night and Josh him had made a decision that entailed leading a tour until it was over in order to not disappoint any of their fans. That’s the reason why he finally lifted his head and stared drowsily at Josh, who gave him a short peck on the lips before he made room for him to jump out of the bunk bed. 

Josh followed shortly and when Tyler stared back at the messy sheets and the pamphlet Josh had been reading, he burst out laughing. 

“ _‘What to expect when expecting’_? Really?” he asked and Josh actually turned a bit red. 

“I found it in your bag and since we’re in this together I thought it might be interesting.” Tyler continued laughing. “Hey I’m gay it’s not like I was ever interested in the topic of childbirth before.” 

Still with a slight blush lingering on his cheeks, Josh left the sleeping area but Tyler stared at the pamphlet for a moment longer, before he followed him. Without really knowing why, he really liked the thought of Josh getting actually excited over the tiny human growing in his belly. 

||-// 

Tonight’s show preparations didn’t show really any mercy to Tyler. The bus had been stuck in traffic just outside of the city, which is why they showed up late to the soundcheck. The other tour bus, because of some miracle, had taken another route and shown up almost an hour before theirs. Needless to say, the crew was in a bad mood. 

Tyler kept juggling getting everybody into position, then quickly doing a soundcheck all while battling the upcoming nausea that still seemed to have a strong grip on him today. 

But Josh, who once would have been an anxious mess by now, was Tyler’s saving grace today. When there was no crew member in sight to help Tyler with his requests, it was Josh who did as he was told without talking back. Whenever he brushed past him in the venue, a kind smile was what greeted Tyler and grounded him for a short amount of time, until the next person would come to him with the next problem. 

Tyler didn’t really have time to think or breathe until it was almost time for the doors to open that night. He flopped down next to Josh in the green room with a heavy sigh and closed his eyes for a moment, before a knock disturbed the short seconds of silence. 

“What?” he yelled, but the door opened anyways and an intern Tyler barely knew entered. In his defense, Frank joined their crew when Tyler already had been pregnant, so he definitely had other concerns than getting to know the new interns. 

“Mr. Joseph,” he stammered and Tyler wanted to close his eyes and not open them again for the next few decades. 

“What,” he snapped back and was surprised by the anger flaring in his veins. Once again he blamed it on the hormones and suppressed a grin as the intern pressed himself against the door, frightened. 

“Mr. Joseph, the cable is missing.” 

“The cable,” Tyler stated back and didn’t want to admit but found sheer joy in the way panic was starting to show on the interns face. Not really acting in his odds, Frank simply nodded and stared at Josh for support. 

“What. Cable.” 

Frank seemed to hesitate, but then braced himself and stumbling over the words, he said, “the… instrument cable.” 

Time stood still for a second, before Tyler felt like he was about to completely lose it. Next to him, Josh snorted but tried to cover it up badly with a cough. 

The world shifted and he now stood in front of the intern, without really having realized when he got up. 

“That’s why you’re disturbing me,” he spat and the intern went pale. “You could have bothered literally everybody else in the venue. Everybody. And you decide to go to me? Go to a fucking store for all I care, but just get out of my face.” 

A warm hand on his arm made him whip his head around. The anger immediately resolved as Tyler looked into Josh’s amused eyes and he closed his mouth. 

“Don’t worry Tyler, I’ll deal with it. You rest.” The rational part in his brain that had definitely not done the talking for the past few minutes thankfully took over again, and Tyler swallowed his anger and nodded at the both of them. 

When he was alone again, he released the breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding. 

_ Stupid hormones _ , he thought and sat down on the couch with a heavy sigh. Without Josh, he knew that by now every single crew member would hate his guts. Of course, he had been bossy and moody before but apparently those stupid hormones had nothing better to do than bringing out the best of him. 

To his relief Josh now knew what has been going on with him, and he didn’t quite want to admit it to himself, but he loved the way Josh now behaved towards him. He had always been kind to the singer, but now it seemed as if he- 

“Mr. Joseph?” 

Oh god, the intern was back and Tyler jerked awake with a start. He hadn’t even realized that he had drifted off and to be honest, Frank wasn’t on his top priority list of things he wanted to see first thing after waking up. More like, getting woken up. By Frank. 

“What do you want, Frank?” Tyler said through gritted teeth and suppressed a yawn. The nervous energy from the intern seemed to take over the whole room and Tyler did everything he could not to get too sassy. But it was hard. Everybody in the crew (except Josh) should know by now that waking Tyler up was definitely not a good idea. 

“I just … wanted to tell you that I now have the cable. Just in time.” Intern beamed and Tyler tried everything he could to smile back. 

“That’s… great.” 

Intern nodded and Tyler kept staring, waiting for him to either disappear or come to the fucking point of that conversation. 

  
“Now what do you want? An award for doing your fucking job?” Okay to be honest it was hard staying friendly to Frank, especially when Josh was gone. Where was he anyways? 

Intern went pale and shook his head frantically. Honestly, who employed that guy? 

  
“I brought you something.” And with that, he shoved a can of a no-name energy drink into his hands. Tyler raised one of his eyebrows and turned the can around.  _ Oh god, it was even sugarfree.  _ Tyler strongly debated throwing the can against Intern’s head, but settled against it. Josh definitely would not appreciate that. 

“Uh. Thank you?” 

“You’re welcome. It was on sale.” Apparently Frank had no ability on how to read the room and it was his luck that Josh decided to come into the room that moment. 

  
“Tyler? It’s time,” he said and Tyler never was more thankful for a show to start. 

Even Frank got the cue and left without saying anything. Josh turned and watched him leave, before turning back around to Tyler. 

“Please tell me you didn’t torture Frank again.” 

Instead of an answer Tyler just raised the can that he still held in his hand and Josh laughed. “Okay, fair. You ready to go?” 

Tyler followed Josh down the hallway, closer to the crowd that was getting louder with each minute passing. The opening act just finished playing and Tyler knew that they had only mere minutes left before they were supposed to be on stage for their first song. 

Josh walked in front of him and Tyler was glad that he kept holding his hand in support. He tried shaking off the drowsy feeling of just having taken a nap and once they had reached the edge of the stage, he realized that he still held the energy drink in his hand and put it down on the next available table. 

“How are you feeling?” Josh asked and stared down Tyler with such a worried look that for a moment he felt like throwing up. Instead, he just smiled and squeezed Josh’s hand. 

“Stop worrying about me. I’m okay.” Josh kept looking at him so he added, “I’m just still tired from being woken up in such a … nice manner.” 

Josh smiled anguished and let go of his hand. He was just about to go get the torch he needed for the beginning, but then turned back around. 

“I wanted to ask something before getting on that car.” 

“Yeah?” They usually didn’t do this, right before a show. As one of the unspoken rules they and the crew had, whatever problem occurred that wasn’t essential for the show could wait for after the concert. But Josh had such a concerned look on his face that Tyler sensed that he couldn’t wait any longer. So Tyler swallowed down his remark of having a schedule and the need of being on time. 

“Would you promise me to not climb during Car Radio today?”

Tyler’s first reaction was to laugh at the joke, but as he kept seeing worry in Josh’s face, the anger from before was back. 

“Josh, I’m pregnant and not about to die so I would kindly appreciate it if you would just shove it.” 

Instead of an answer, Josh scoffed and made his way towards the car, but Tyler knew that he wasn’t really mad at him. 

And as much as that request had insulted him, deep down, he was incredibly flattered. He just thought it was the friendship that connected the both of them together, but now it was literally Josh’s child growing inside of him. For the first time Tyler allowed himself to wonder if there was maybe more than friendship connecting the both of them. 

As he pulled his ski mask over his head, he stared over at Josh, who was already standing on the car, seconds before the torch was about to light up. Josh must have sensed him staring, because he raised his hand as a form of short acknowledge and Tyler couldn’t help but raise his hand in return. Thankfully Josh couldn’t see the smile under the mask, and he yanked his hand down as if he realized just now how stupid he must have looked. They had just talked, goddamnit. 

For the first time Tyler wondered if the nausea clawing at his body wasn’t in fact, butterflies, and asked himself, if he started seeing Josh in another light from this night on. 

He still climbed that night, obviously. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for making it til the end! Please tell me what you think and while waiting for new chapters maybe check out my other stories? See you next time!


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